Theres No Escaping, So Don't Try
by paperbackhead
Summary: Tegan struggles to hide her feelings for her sister, but when she slips up, she finds herself in a tough situation. if only she could tell how Sara was feeling. Quincest.
1. Chapter 1

_She kissed her lips softly a few times, adjusting her face from left to right and occasionally wetting her own with a swift sweep of her tongue. She paused, pursing her mouth nervously, absentmindedly biting on the chapped skin of her lips and cocking her brown in a questioning manner as if asking if she should continue – the response was positive. Soft and slender fingers ghosted over the back of her neck as deep hazel orbs lulled her into a content hypnosis. There was a brief smirk and a nod so slight that Tegan was unsure of whether it was even intended, but the gesture, however was enough to persuade her to keep on. She felt herself lean in again, asserting a quick glance upwards into those enchanting eyes once more for a sign of reassurance, yet before she was able to connect lips with her sister, Sara went ahead and did so herself. They collided with more force and passion this time, more confident and comfortable than the last encounter. Wandering hands ensued and soft moans were elicited from Tegan's throat as Sara lightly trailed her hands up and down her back. Working up courage and composure, Tegan gently traced her tongue across her sister's bottom lip, and was met with Sara coyly parting her lips to allow Tegan to explore her mouth heatedly. She memorized every inch as she did so, running her tongue along Sara's smooth top teeth, noting how differently her bottom set felt, more uneven and rugged._

She eventually felt a tongue meet her own, felt her mouth being pleasantly invaded whilst gentle hands softly twisted at the hair near the nape of her neck. She felt her cheeks flush from her sister's warm breath hitting relentlessly off her face at such close contact, becoming sharper the longer they remained in the kiss. Eventually Sara broke away, flushed and panting, hands still lazily drooped around Tegan's shoulders, head slung back in attempt to reach the cool, fresh air which sat atop the hot mist that surrounded her and her sister. Tegan seized the opportunity to ravish Sara's neck, grazing against her collar bone with her teeth and planting a number of soft bites and wet kisses on her pulse point, illustriating deep moans from her sister's throat. Sara met Tegan's gaze, a wildness in her eyes, and deep urge which seemed to overtake all of her senses. She leaned in heavily, placing a forceful, yet pleasurable bite roughly on Tegan's collar as she did so. She trailed her tongue silkily up the crook, of her neck, along her jaw line, and up to her earlobe, nibbling gently before whispering Tegan's name almost distantly into her ear.

Tegan almost jumped out of her skin when she felt Sara's hand delve rapidly into her slack waisted jeans and right under the elasticized band of her boy shorts. It all seemed to be going so fast, much faster than she would expect Sara to pace things. Sara continued to distantly whisper Tegan's name, muffled as she placed sloppy kisses on her neck, her hand urgently working between Tegan's thighs. Tegan squeezed Sara's name from her throat between gritted teeth, chest heaving shakily, head thrown back, limbs writhing, before Sara caught her gaze cleanly, a sly smile playing across her face before she called out Tegan's name louder once more.

Cold air swarmed Tegan, her body tensing with shock, each and every hair standing on her body as the covers where pulled from her swiftly, revealing a flushed and clammy body clad only in a t-shirt and underwear.

"For fucks sake Tegan, I've been calling you for like five minutes, what the fuck have you been do-"

Sara's rant was cut short as she glanced down at Tegan, noticing her sisters hand tucked beneath the band of her boxers. It wasn't long before Tegan noticed either, dread sketching across her face as she shook off her sleepy haze and rapidly retracted her hand from her noticeably damp underwear.

"Fuck, Tegan. Sorry…I, I…"

Tegan pulled the duvet back over herself praying that it would prevent the last bit of her dignity from seeping away into the air of her hotel room which felt arctic cold against the flush of her cheeks. She cleared her throat before attempting to speak to Sara, who was now darting her eyes to every corner in the room to avoid meeting her sister gaze.

"..uh, sorry, I uh…I didn't hear you. I'll get you in reception in a minute. I just need to get dressed"

"yeah, just…don't be too long, we're late already. You should have been up half an hour ago"

With that Sara left, relieved to be departing the room, leaving Tegan to stew in her embarrassment. Facing Sara after a fiasco like that wouldn't be fun, but it would be especially difficult after that dream. It was the worst one she had experienced to date. As Tegan sat, still red faced, stomach twisting into impossible knots, she muttered to herself, before eventually heaving her sweat slicked body out of bed and towards the first clean t-shirt and pair of jeans at hand.

"What the fuck am I going to do with myself…"


	2. Chapter 2

Tegan slumped her way down to the hotel lobby where Sara paced the worn carpet, back and forth, eyes focused on the ceiling, her head tilted upwards dramatically in mock frustration. The boys sat lazily on the worn leather loveseats of the lounge, texting, reading and sneakily sleeping under the cover of dark sunglasses, as Tegan walked towards the group, anxiously clearing her throat to grab the attention of her sister.

"oh great, finally…we're only about a fucking hour late for sound check. For Christ sake Tegan, how can it possibly take you so long to get ready? Seriously, you just look like you rolled out of bed and into the nearest pair of jeans. Are they even clean? How can that take you so fucking long?"

"Jesus, sorry…and yeah, they are clean. I'm pretty sure"

With that Sara huffed and turned on the heels of her black paton shoes, briskly walking through the revolver door, followed by Ted, Shaun and Jonny who each gave Tegan a smile as they walked past her to the exit of the building - Shaun guiding Tegan down to the doorway with a light hand on her back. Tegan paused to tie the laces tighter on her heavy boots, straggling behind the others as usual, looking out of the hotel's large paned front as Sara mouthed at her to "Hurry the fuck up" through the glass.

Tegan marched out quickly, laces now tied firmly as she did her best to flatten out her crumpled denim shirt with her hands. She stepped out into the sidewalk and crouched down into the doorway of the van ready to take them to the studio as Sara politely, yet grumpily, held the door open– eager to make sure everyone was accounted for before she would take her previously shotgunned seat next to the driver. As Tegan slid into the car she mumbled an unenthusiastic apology to Sara for holding them back.

"well, maybe if you spent less time with your hand down your pants we would get to places on time"

With that Sara let out a sigh and closed the passenger door behind her, Tegan's red face glowing though the car window, as she slunk into her seat, praying that the boys hadn't heard Sara's mutterings. She fidgeted with her seatbelt, a new wave of embarrassment washing over her as it was confirmed that the incident from this morning wasn't a dream. And yes, Sara remembered it. And yes, Sara would use it against her. It was going to be a great day.

-

At the studio Tegan did her best to avoid her sister gaze, only stealing awkward glances when Sara wasn't looking. She spend most of the rehearsal session on the opposite side of the room from the others, absentmindedly watching Ted and Sara work on elaborate guitar parts together, and smiling faintly as she watched Shaun and Jonny struggle to tweak a particularly stubborn set of guitar pedals. All the while her mind was elsewhere. She replayed segments of the dream over and over again in her head, the very dream that had landed her in such an awkward situation this morning. She tried to hold onto the fast slipping scenes of Sara's lips pressed against her own, the soft and seductive sensation of Sara's fingers running up her back, resting at her neck to tug softly on her hair. The exciting feeling that panged in her gut sending small electric currents through her bones and out through the tips of her fingers every time she touched her sister.

The dream wasn't the first of its kind, Tegan had experienced many dreams that featured Sara. In these dreams she would often embrace Sara, protect her, of even sometimes kiss her softly surrounded by an insignificant backdrop – she felt the same excited feelings, but it had never gone as far or felt as good as it had in her slumber the previous night.

"Hello, are you actually going to get over here and participate ? Tegan ?"

Tegan was disturbed from her thoughts by Sara's calling, lightly shaking her head and brushing herself off before lazily lifting herself from her seat and walking over to her sister and the others.

"Sorry, I've just got some stuff on my mind at the moment"

"Yeah, I bet you do…what's her name anyway?"

Sara smirked slyly and cocked her eyebrow suggestively, grinning at her sister's increasingly scarlet face.

"It's uh, no-one. I'm fine anyway, just a little detached…but I'm good to go"

Sara chuckled to herself lightly, shaking her head at her flustered sister before turning away to pick up her guitar. She smiled at Tegan over her shoulder,

"Think you'll be able to clear your head long enough to do a run through?"

Tegan nodded moth agape.

*god that smile*


	3. Chapter 3

It had been a clean week for Tegan. No twisted dreams involving her tongue down her younger sister's throat. Possibly a new record since these events started occurring.

She never quite felt the full force of the attraction to her sister sink into her consciousness, it had always been a gradual thing – noticing the way Sara smiled, the way she brushed the hair out of her face, noticing how pretty she looked in photos, analyzing her body as silhouetted by her clothes. Strange feelings and mixed emotions seemed to creep up on her out of nowhere. She felt a giddy sensation every time she heard her sister laugh, a tingling feeling every time their bodies touched, if someone even mentioned Sara's name she would get a flutter of butterflies in her stomach. It was all very confusing for Tegan - surely she couldn't have a crush on her sister.

-

It all started back when Sara broke it off with Emy:

Tegan was Sara's rock throughout the break-up. She was always there for her, supporting her, comforting her, always there to make sure she wasn't feeling lonely or depressed. She flew to Montréal and spent countless weeks joined at the hip with Sara, terrified that if she ever left her side that the full impact of Sara's new reality would finally hit her and break her heart. Time passed and eventually Sara eased herself back into normality – she would never admit it, but the recovery wouldn't have gone so smoothly without Tegan. Soon enough she was able to cope without having Tegan around 24/7. She didn't need her to stay over most weeks for company, she didn't need to talk to her on the phone at nights for comfort, and they didn't spend as much time together. No more movies, day trips, morning coffee, library visits – Sara was big enough and strong enough to take care of herself again.

Breaking away from this routine affected Tegan in the strangest of ways. On returning to Vancouver she was left with a void – she was now the one in need of comfort, company. She was the one feeling lonely and depressed. She figured she would walk away from the situation unscathed, if anything feeling better, knowing that she had helped her sister through such a tough time. She thought, perhaps, this feeling of emptiness had come due to the fact that she had never spend so much time being close to someone, and spending so much time with Sara had just left her craving intimacy. She tried to fill this void with new people – she became more social, made new friends, chased more girls, but nothing seemed to fulfill this need to be close to someone. She found herself sending countless emails, calling Sara at night, traveling across Canada to make surprise visits – each contact repairing the void until it was over again, leaving her with something missing in her life.

She didn't understand this feeling, this turmoil she was going through every time she was apart from Sara. She realized that she wouldn't find comfort in anyone else, and so it was useless even trying to meet new people. She spent countless, sleepless nights staring at the ceiling, running through every possible reason as to why she felt the way she did. Was it because they were twins they shared such a close bond? Had Tegan put the weight of Sara's break up on her own shoulders and now she was depressed? Was Tegan experiencing what Sara was feeling due to her break up, in some strange telepathic connection? None of these theories seemed legitimate enough for Tegan, she just couldn't explain why she wanted to be so close to Sara all the time.

It was only when recording a new record that Tegan realized why. She was finally able to spend substantial face time with Sara once more after her break up from Emy, and during this time she started to notice herself paying more attention to her sister. She picked up more on Sara's body language, the way she spoke, her body itself – she couldn't seem to keep her eyes off of her. All the feelings she felt just confused her even more – she was expressing all the symptoms of a crush – sweating palms, knotting stomach, dry mouth, hot blood, cold chills, lump in her throat, and a very distinct tingle inrbetween her thighs. It drove Tegan crazy. Surely she couldn't have a crush on her Sara, she was her sister. Her twin sister.

Tegan went through every coping mechanism – denial, self loathing, partying, womanizing, self pity, more partying, more womanizing – before finally excepting her fate after one incident with Sara.  
They had been taking a break from production. A couple of the tracks were being cut which was a laboring and slow task to carry out, but the girls were set on sticking around to hear the finished outcome of the songs they had laid out. It was already late as the last parts of the production were being finished up, and both Tegan and Sara sat on the sofa in the back room waiting for the all clear to come and listen to the cut tracks. Both exhausted and on the verge of sleeping they leaned into each other – Sara too tired to push Tegan away, and Tegan to content with the contact to brush off Sara to avoid any suspicion – until Sara closed her eyes and drifted off into a light sleep.

Tegan sat in bewilderment as Sara unconsciously nuzzled deep into her neck, breathing shallow, eyelids fluttering slightly. She draped an arm round her younger sister and watched her sleeping contently, analyzing every part of her face – The small mark on her eyebrow from her since removed piercing, her long dark eyelashes, her perfect button nose, her strong check bones, all the way down to her angular jaw. She focused mainly on Sara's lips. The pale pink color, the way they twitched slightly in her sleep, how soft they looked, how her top lip peaked into a perfect cupids arrow. She couldn't tear her eyes away, she was completely mesmerized and filled with an intensely overwhelming urge to feel those lips pressed against her own. She stared, her eyes burning into her sister's gorgeous face as her brain screamed at her to kiss her. She tried to fight it, but Sara just looked so serine and beautiful that Tegan couldn't help but lean in to place a tender kiss on her slumbering sister's lips. Just as she nearly connected with Sara a call from the other room snapped her back into reality. She had come so close to crossing a life altering line with Sara, who was completely oblivious to the incident, as well as the overbearing feelings that Tegan was going through. Tegan sat still, analyzing her thoughts for a moment before shaking her sister gently to tell her they were finished with the cut in the next room.

That night she went back to her apartment and lay awake once more. She gave things one final run through in her head before accepting the fact that it was true. She liked her sister, in a non sisterly way, a way that was taboo, a way that was frowned upon by society, a way that could destroy Tegan's bond with her sister entirely, a way that could destroy the bond with her family, her career, her life – but Tegan couldn't fight it. She would just have to accept it. There was no escaping the feeling that she felt for her sister, so she should just stop trying.

"I like my sister"

Tegan sighed and turned over onto her side before drifting off to sleep – the best sleep she had gotten in months.


	4. Chapter 4

The days moved on, the tour moved on, yet Tegan managed to stay still in within her self. Every day felt the same, there never seemed to be any significant occurrences that broke her daily cycle of wake up, sound check, play show, and bed. There was the occasional day off which she would spend sight seeing or having quiet time, and very rarely she would finish a show on a such a high that she would demand to go out for drinks afterwards. None the less, each day was just a carbon copy of the last – every morning she would wake up with thoughts of Sara, she would carry them throughout the day, and she would drift off to sleep with them still occupying her mind. It was torture.

Spending so much time with her sister was wearing Tegan down gradually. She was crumbling - finding herself slipping up, staring for too long, gazing at Sara with desire in her eyes, reaching out for more physical attention, and noticeably losing her cool. She tried so hard not to raise any suspicion, but retaining herself was killing her. The worst part was that she knew she would never be able to express her true feelings; she would _have_ to keep them bottled up, unless she wanted to destroy her relationship with Sara as well as her career. Sara was forbidden fruit, Tegan knew she would never be able to have her, but it just made her all the more tempting. She knew if she was given any opportunity with Sara she would take it – even if she tried to fight her urge with every bone in her body something would eventually give and she would snap. She knew her best option would be to distance herself from her sister, which would prove difficult considering they would be touring together for the next few months.

-

"what kind of problem is it? Is it serious?"

"It's just a leak ma'am, but there has been slight damage to the ceiling and we don't wish to put you at any risk by allowing you to sleep in that particular room. We're very sorry for any inconvenience, but we would be happy to relocate you to one of the suites in the other hotel block"

Tegan sighed, it was just typical that her hotel room would be the one underneath the roof pool. And it would only be right that the pool filtration would back up and stream water through the ceiling on the first night of Tegan's stay – meaning she would have to be allocated another room in a separate block from the rest of the entire band and crew.

She bit her lip uneasily. She wasn't exactly enthralled by the idea of staying in a different wing of the hotel on her own, but she nodded anyway, reassuring the helpful receptionist that she was alright with the move. Just as the gentleman reached for her room key however, Sara butted in,

"You should just stay in my room, I mean, you don't want to be by yourself for the full stay do you?"

Tegan's blood coursed white hot as Sara turned to her with a questioning look, the thought of sharing a room – sharing a bed – with her sister in her current situation gripping tightly at her guts.

"no, no it's fine really. I think it'll be good to get some quiet time anyway. I'll be fine, I can take care of myself"

She tried her best to fake a convincing smile, which ended up looking more like a pathetic grimace as Sara sighed and folded her arms over her chest.

"Tegan, don't be ridiculous". She turned to the receptionist, sliding the key he had placed on the reception desk back in his direction before continuing, "We'll just share a room, but thanks for the offer. If any of the rooms on our wing become available can you let us know though?"

Tegan stood rooted to the spot. There was no way she could survive a week long stay with Sara, but if she threw a tantrum about getting her own room she would spark suspicion in her sister and the rest of the band. They had shared hotel rooms countless times, and so no-one would understand why this time should be any different. A cold sweat already slicked her brow as the receptionist nodded and smiled in agreement to Sara's oblivious decision to make Tegan's life a living nightmare.

The elevator trip to the 9th floor where the girls would be residing was painfully slow – Tegan stood in silence the entire time, full of dismay about the situation that lay ahead of her. She rocked back and forth of the balls of her feet glancing up at the door every time a light illuminated the circular bulbs marking which floor they were passing. The air seemed thicker the closer they got to the seventh. Tegan used this quiet time to process her thoughts, going over possibilities in her mind which could save her from doing something she would regret. _Maybe it's a room with two single beds. There might be a sofa I could sleep on. This hotel is so nice it might even have separate bedrooms in each suite. _She tried her best to remain hopeful, but as the lift doors split open she realized that fate wasn't going to be on her side that week.

The doors opened to a corridor, lushly carpeted in a decedent patterned fabric, walls lined with a rich red and gold paper and dotted with gold framed paintings – one of the more luxurious hotels of the tour so far. The corridor split into two smaller hallways, the building resembling a T- the left wing labeled "A" and the right wing "B". Tegan analyzed her key card.

"B117…hey Ted, what does yours say?"

Ted reached deeply into his back pocket to fish out his room key, before scanning it over

"uhh, A120. Must be on the other wing. I thought our rooms would have been close, y'know, like odds and evens across the landing type thing, but I guess we'll be pretty far away from you guys. I know they had a shortage of rooms but…"

Ted trailed off looking genuinely disappointed at the fact him and the boys would be on the completely opposite side of the building from Tegan and Sara. He shrugged at Tegan before slinging his bag over his shoulder and walking down the corridor with the rest of the boys. If he would have looked at her for longer he would have realized that her face didn't show any disappointment – it showed pure fear. She would be sharing a room with Sara for a week on the complete opposite side of the hotel block from the rest of the band. They would be alone together, and it didn't make Tegan feel safe. She trailed her case up the roomy corridor to the junction where the "A" and "B" sections parted, and glanced down at the boys, who looked considerably smaller in the distance of the hallway. She grimaced as she felt Sara pass behind her and walk up to the far depths of the hall down to their shared room.

Tegan followed on slowly, taking regretful steps behind her sister, who was walking briskly, turning a few times to make sure Tegan was following before slipping inside. Tegan's fears where confirmed when she entered Sara's hotel room. She clenched her eyes closed tightly when she pulled the handle on the door, and prayed with all her might that when she opened her eyes she would be met with a room with two single beds – this wasn't the case. There it was, Tegan's biggest fear, perfectly clean and crisp, mocking her from the centre of the room's main wall. The double bed she would have to share with Sara. Nerves rose up in her like a flood, leaking torturing thoughts and worries into her head like the hotel pool leaked chlorine into her lost sanctuary of a room. _What am I going to do? What if I can't control myself? What if I have another dream about her? What if she finds out?_ Tegan got locked onto this panic, unable to move herself from the doorway – she didn't want to do this. She didn't want to go into the room and have to put herself in such a difficult situation. She threw her bag into the floor and swiftly turned back into the corridor, closing the door behind her.

She made her way directly to the hotel bar, being sure to check her jean pockets to confirm she hadn't left her wallet in her bag. She sat alone, peering round the room to find not one other person in the vicinity. She shrugged to herself before propping her elbows up against the bar, craning her neck to look for the barman. He eventually veered round the corner, a large stack of rock glasses blocking his view of Tegan, seated on a bar stool, legs swaying, unable to make contact with the ground. She cleared her throat to get his attention, before he whipped round quickly, almost dropping the pile of glasses and clearly startled. He made a choked noise before glancing at the clock on the wall behind him and back to Tegan.

"c-can I help you?"

"sorry, uh, can I have a vodka please?"

Tegan sat up straight, a faint smile on her face as she was met with a confused look from the young barman.

"I…I'm sorry, but we don't serve alcohol until 7pm. It's only…4.23"

"oh…"

Tegan's face fell, genuine disappointment sinking in as she realized she would have to face the Sara ordeal sober. The barman must have picked up on it as he leaned closer to Tegan, a sweet smile on his face.

"Rough morning huh? I'm not really supposed to tell you this – employer loyalty and all that rubbish - but the closest place you'll get a drink this early is a bar about two blocks from here. Its called "Edward's", big yellow sign, you cant miss it"

"Hey, thanks"

Tegan smiled before pushing herself off the bar stool and heading for the door, glancing back at the barman who winked at her happily before she stepped out into the street.

-

The guy behind the bar was right; it really was hard to miss the yellow sign. It only took Tegan a couple of minutes to get the other bar, and she was relieved when she was actually rewarded with a drink this time. She finished her vodka quickly, staying for a few more rounds until it was 8pm and she could actually get a drink in the comfort of the hotel. She stood up, her legs unsteady proving she was more tipsy than she actually realized, as she made her way out of the bar, clinging onto furniture to guide her to the door. The breeze was a pleasant wake up for Tegan as she stepped back out to the streets and into the fast disappearing daylight, clusters of thoughts occupying her mind. She would usually be thinking of ways to ease the situation with Sara, maybe convincing her that she would be okay in another room, or even suggesting that she could bunk with the guys, but all the dutch courage she was harboring assured Tegan that could deal with it - that's she could grit through it and that she would have enough force and will power to restrain herself. Stepping in though the glass doors of the hotel and though to the bar, however, these supportive thoughts were shattered;

"Heeeeeeeeeey, there you are! Everybody's been wondering where you were, you didn't take your cell"

The sentence was slurred from Sara's smiling mouth and punctuated with drunken hics. Tegan grimaced as Sara slung an arm around her shoulder and guided her over to the bar where the young tender cocked an eyebrow at Tegan.

"Another round of shots, please…sir"

No amount of vodka would be able to prepare Tegan for the night ahead.


	5. Chapter 5

Tegan lashed back shot after shot along with her sister and the boys, each one less bitter and harsh on her throat than the last, but each still capable of toying with her weak gag reflex. They seemed to keep coming relentlessly; vodka soon ambitiously became tequila, tequila became sambuca, sambuca became jagermeister – each round punctuated an almost constant flow of Jack Daniels and beer. It seemed to all be getting too much for Tegan, the room was spinning furiously, her eyes seeming to roll backwards into her skull and back again in 360 degree rotations, landing on Sara each time they met the centre of the room again. She sat across the wooden table from Tegan, half empty glasses making a partition between them on the sticky and rim marked surface, her face flushed and eyes bleary as she gulped at what must have been her sixth soporo of the evening – quite a feat for Sara. The nights seemed to be going painfully slow for Tegan; she just wanted the day to be over, frightened that if it dragged on any longer she would do something she regretted. The few drinks she had consumed in the afternoon were just enough to build up her confidence and allow her to face her situation boldly, but now that she had managed to knock back what felt like her body weight in strong liquor, she no longer felt in control – and it frightened her.

She desperately wanted to retreat back to her shared room. She though that if she maybe got there first she would be able to get to sleep before Sara got back, and would be oblivious to having Sara in the bed beside her when, or if she got back from the bar. As usual though, things were never that simple for Tegan. Sara had always been greedy with her alcohol, and whenever she was having a good time, she felt she had to squeeze every last drop of sunshine out of the moment. She wasn't one for retreating early when she rarely did go out, and so it was only expected that she would demand that they explore the local scene before they pack up and move on to the next city. The boys agreed with the idea of checking out the near by bars, and Tegan soon gave into her sister's adorable, drunken pleading – how could she say no. She knew it was a stupid move on her part, and she could have quite easily have called it a night and let the others go on without her, but there was always something inside of Tegan that enjoyed it when she made things harder for herself – always a part deep in her subconscious that wanted her to slip up, that wanted to take potentially fatal risks just to see how they turned out – it gave her some kind of strange buzz.

She followed the others to a bar a good ten minute walk from the hotel, lagging behind, regret clawing away at her mind – _should she just turn back, is it such a good idea to be doing this, what if you slip up, you're already unstable and being drunk isn't going to help the situation. _She was ready to retreat, save herself with some excuse about needing to throw up or sleep when Sara broke through the barrier of boys and pulled Tegan by the wrist to join her at the front of the small crowd.

"C'mon Tee, I'll buy you a drink huh?"

Sara looped an arm round Tegan's neck and pulled her into an awkward side-ways hug. Tegan couldn't help but grin stupidly at the attention from her sister. She decided that perhaps she had done the right thing buy taking the risk – it felt right to her anyway. She walked side by side with Sara the rest of the way, until they entered a trendy looking bar a few blocks away from the hotel. The boys instantly occupied themselves with a group of young hipster girls – floral dresses, urban outfitter boots and polariods all intact – who were seated at the back of the room, buying drinks and flirting outrageously. The perks of staying at a hotel meant the boys didn't have to abide the "no guests past 12am" bus rule. Shaun hung back with the twins at the bar for a while, observing the other guys with a drink in hand, the shackles of marriage holding him back until Jonny beckoned him over enthusiastically, leaving Tegan and Sara alone. Sara ordered more drinks, keeping her promise to Tegan , handing her a fresh jack and coke before drunkenly plunging her hand into her own drink to fish out the unwanted segments of citrus fruit.

Tegan watched bewildered – even when Sara wasn't trying to be sexy Tegan couldn't help but find her attractive. She watched as Sara sucked the tip of each finger on her right hand one by one, before licking her lips slowly to remove any last traces of her vodka orange before placing the slim, black cocktail straw in her mouth and having a long drink – the bright orange liquid rapidly sinking in her glass. Sara blinked nervously, biting her lip, looking up at Tegan with a glint of panic in her eyes before removing herself from her barstool and making a quick b-line for the bathroom. Tegan turned her head, confused, only to catch Sara crashing her way into the heavy swinging door and disappearing into the brightly lit, tiled room. She glanced over to the boys table were they were too deep in conversation to notice, before she headed over to the restroom to check on her sister.

Sara had already emptied the contents of her stomach violently, and had opened the door back into the bar in the time it took Tegan to cross the sea of bodies that filled the dance floor. Sara looked considerably paler, and her skin was noticeably clammy, strands of stray hair clinging to her brow just as her thin cotton shirt clung to her damp collar.

"I think we should head back…I really don't feel so good"

Tegan nodded, secretly thankful that the night had been called short and that she could finally put her day to rest. She took Sara by the wrist, guiding her to the exit of the bar, glancing up at the door and down at her phone screen as she keyed in a message to the others that she and Sara had called it a night.

They left the boys at the bar to chat up the hipster girls, Tegan feeling slightly sorry for Shaun who was left to mind the others, as she and Sara made their way back to their suite. The air was refreshing, but far from sobering -the quantity of alcohol the twins had consumed wouldn't be able to be countered by any amount of fresh air – and soon Tegan caught Sara hugging her arms, laden with goosebumps and shivering slightly as she walked - her thin, cotton button-up doing nothing to shield her from the cold. Tegan chuckled to herself at the sight, mocking Sara for not taking a jacket with her to the bar, before she slipped off her own and draped it over her sister's shoulders without uttering a word. Sara smiled politely, and as they stopped at a set of traffic lights she wrapped her arms around Tegan's and sleepily rested her head on her shoulder causing a rush of sudden shivers down her spine, with force so great her body shuddered.

"Do you want your jacket back, you're shaking now?"

Sara's voice was drowsy and dry from all the shouting she had been doing at the bar so she could be heard over the loud music. Her gaze was sweet and stirred the emotions deep in Tegan's stomach before she raised her eyebrows questioningly and twisted her mouth into a half way smile.

"No, its fine, I think you need it more than I do anyway. Besides, we're nearly at the hotel"

Tegan smiled down at her sister as the walk sign illuminated and cast a dim green light on Sara's pale and flawless skin. The sight memorized Tegan, she couldn't tear her eyes away, and even as she walked across the empty road they were fixed on Sara. They only shot upwards to look at the star strewn sky as Sara turned her head upwards to meet Tegan's face, planting a delicate kiss on her cheek.

"Thanks for looking out for me"

Tegan couldn't even respond properly, the patch of skin that connected with Sara's sweet, soft lips was on fire, as though some strange chemical reaction had taken place from the contact. Her body felt weightless, the blood seemed to drain from her hands and feet and the corners of her lips twitched uncontrollably. She stammered incoherently, before deciding it was best not to speak at all, only glancing down at Sara, whose eyes were now focused on the tall hotel building that was a mere block away from them.

Tegan didn't want the walk to end. She felt so comfortable and settled just being out in the breeze with Sara; she loved the way that she gripped tightly onto her arm as they walked, the way Sara's body seemed to lean inwardly against Tegan almost as if she were trying to use her a shield from the cold night air. She loved the way Sara spoke freely and carelessly when she had been drinking and she loved the feeling that times like these gave her. There was almost a glimmer of hope that sparked within her, a feeling that everything was okay; an air of confidence that maybe, _just maybe_ all of Tegan's hopes and dreams with Sara weren't so far out of reach.

-

They eventually entered the hotel, the rush of warm air bringing out the sting on their red cheeks and hands as they made their way to the elevator, Sara still clinging onto Tegan tightly as the alcohol in her stomach made it quiver uneasily. Tegan took pride in being Sara's protector, almost puffing her chest out boldly as she walked through the foyer in what she felt was a straight line – it occurred to her that maybe she was a little more drunk than she realized, as people sitting in the lounge gave her awkward glances as she passed. The elevator ride to their floor was silent except for Sara's pained groans as she nursed her stomach from the opposite side of the lift, her head resting heavily between the join of two of the walls. Tegan couldn't help but snigger as she took Sara by the arm and led her into the hallway, almost toppling her as she tugged her onto the landing. Now with no cold breeze to keep them sharp, the pair burst into giggles as the swayed directionless, bouncing off of walls and each other, pinballing to their door.

Tegan opened it with great difficulty, missing the thin slot countless times and cursing before she was able to successfully punch in the card and enter the room. Sara instantly disappeared into the bathroom; an action followed by an array of noises muffled by the large wooden door. Tegan took this time alone to compose herself, gazing into the large mirror on the wall near the bed and working up some much needed courage.

"_You –will- be fine. Nothing is going to happen. You're not going to jump your sister. You're going to stay calm, you're going to get into bed, you'll sleep, and when you wake up it'll all be over and you can get another room in the hotel_"

She took a deep breath, prepping herself as Sara emerged from the bathroom, face flushed but smiling,

"Who were you talking to?"

Tegan whipped round to find Sara in nothing but an oversized t-shirt and a pair of black cotton boxers which hugged her thighs tightly. Tegan felt her jaw slacken as her eyes ran over Sara's bare legs and back up to her face which wore a slightly confused expression.

"I…I-I uh" Tegan cleared her throat before trying again, "Uh, no-one, I was uh…I-I was just singing to myself"

She did her best to look Sara in the face, and not get distracted by her body, or the strong tingling sensation that was rapidly increasing between her thighs, until Sara screwed her face up, shaking her head as she made her way towards the bed, leaving Tegan rooted to the spot.

"I'm…uh, I'm going to go get ready for bed"

Tegan eventually managed to shift herself from the spot near the mirror and into the bathroom for another prep talk. Maybe things wouldn't be as easy as she though, but nothing ever was for Tegan, everything always had to be complicated; She could have a crush on someone besides her sister for instance, but for Tegan everything always had to be more complex. She changed into a pair of pajama bottoms, not bothering to change her t-shirt, before giving her face a splash with cold water and apprehensively stepping back into the main room. Sara was already under the covers when she entered, pulling them back and patting on the empty side of the mattress, urging at Tegan to join her. Tegan panicked at the last hurdle, her breath hitching in her throat, her heart beating rapidly and she stood still, bare toes gripping deeply into the thick cream carpet of the room.

"Uh…Sar, maybe I should uh…I don't know, is there an extra duvet? I'll sleep on the seat over there"  
Sara looked taken aback, throwing Tegan a wild look before straining her fast disappearing voice.

"What the fuck Tegan, I'm not going to vomit all over you-"

"no, no…it's not that I just…"

Tegan cut Sara off, quickly regretting it when she found herself with no excuse as to why she wouldn't share a bed with Sara.

"Look, if this is about the other week its fine, seriously. Just get in the bed. No funny business though, okay?"

Tegan's face turned scarlet as she was reminded of Sara walking in on her midway through a passionate dream about none other that her twin. She grimaced as she realized that there was no way on earth she could get out of it now, she would just have to bare it and hope that she was strong enough to resist temptation. She slipped in silently, facing the wall, her back turned to Sara who reached over to turn out the bedside lamp leaving the room in complete darkness, save for the dim glow of the city lights outside and the hue of the fast approaching dawn. Tegan gulped harshly as she felt Sara's leg brush against her own as she settled back into the bed, the cold off her skin pricking goosebumps up Tegan's leg and shivers through her whole body.

"Jesus Sara, you're fucking freezing…"

"Yeah, I really don't feel so good…" He voice sounded shaky "Can you heat me up or something"

"Do you want another blanket?" Tegan wanted any excuse to get out of the bed

"No, its fine, really…just like, I don't know, rub my arms or something"

Tegan's head became dizzy, swimming with unsavory thoughts as her palms began to sweat. She pressed down on them and she propped herself up on the bed, turning over to rest facing Sara's back, her slender neckline and tussled hair barely visible in the soft light until Tegan's eyes were focused enough to find the tops of Sara's arms. She pressed her warm palms against them, rubbing up and down Sara's smooth skin briskly, hoping to make a warm friction quickly so she could stop making contact with Sara. The urge that had settled deep into her bones, and refused to shift, ached annoyingly at every touch, begging Tegan to push Sara's shoulder down to lay her flat on the bed so that Tegan could straddle her, and kiss her passionately.

"You're really hot Tegan"

The words made Tegan choke as they escaped Sara's lips – Tegan cursing her sick mind as she felt Sara shift closer to her, her eyes widening with fear at the contact and its possible consequences.

"I thought you weren't one for spooning?"

Tegan still managed to make a smart remark, trying her best to avoid raising any suspicion.

"yeah, well I'm fucking cold Tegan, I wouldn't be surprised if it turns out I've got hypothermia"

"maybe you should wear a jacket when you go out then" Tegan managed a smirk as she instinctively wrapped her arms around her sister, "And it wouldn't hurt if you wore more clothes to bed"

"this is an improvement. I usually sleep naked"


	6. Chapter 6

Tegan jolted back slightly, embarrassed at the feelings Sara's sentence conjured in her. It wasn't a sentence that would usually fall from her sister's reserved mouth, but when she had been drinking, Sara was all about being blunt. Tegan coughed awkwardly as she crept her way back to her side of the bed again,

"warm enough yet?"

Sara spun herself round to look at her sister the best she could in the absent light. She squinted adding to the puzzled and slightly frustrated look that played on her face before she began to interrogate Tegan.

"Seriously, what the hell is your problem Tegan? You've been acting so weird lately"

Tegan shifted uncomfortably beneath the sheets of the bed, lifting them up slightly to let cool air into the increasingly heated climate that surrounded her. She shrugged Sara off, unable to give her a decent answer. There were so many excuses she could have used; _she felt weird being back on tour, she was homesick, she was having some personal problems, she was ill, tired, hormonal _– she could have tried anything, but she knew that Sara wouldn't buy it. She wasn't stupid. After spending their whole lives together it was easy to catch each other out when it came to lying.

"How can just pass it off? You really haven't been yourself lately Tegan"

"I'm just…I" She trailed off, looking around the room for an excuse to get away from the question "I don't really want to talk about it, okay?"

It wasn't like Tegan to brush Sara off when something was getting her down, which made her sister slightly worried. She placed a comforting hand on Tegan's arm and looked her directly in the eyes, her gaze soft but penetrating – even in the dim light.

"Tegan, you can talk to me about anything, hell, you usually do talk to me about anything…If this is serious I'd like to think that you could come to me for help"

Tegan glanced down at her sister's hand on her arm, her skin seeming to pulsate underneath it, sending white hot blood coursing through her veins. She looked back at Sara who stared at her intently, almost searching behind her eyes for any problems that were weighing her sister down. Tegan bit her lip worryingly, she wanted to open up to Sara, but this was an issue she couldn't open up to anyone about. The longer she lay in silence the more she could see the emotion in Sara's eyes. 

"Honestly Sar, it's nothing", Tegan did her best to look sincere, letting the room fall silent again.

Sara was always one for showing more emotion and compassion after a good few drinks too, making it difficult for Tegan to try and ignore the issue without upsetting her - She knew she was hurting her by not letting her in. They were so close, especially after Sara's break up, and it was hurting Sara knowing that she trusted Tegan with everything, but apparently the feeling wasn't reciprocated.

"Alright, I guess it must be nothing then…"

Sara turned back onto her side, leaving Tegan feeling as empty and blank as the wall her sister was now staring at. She didn't know how to fix the situation, figuring it would just be best to sleep on it – perhaps when she woke up Sara would have forgotten about even mentioning her change in character. She would definitely try to improve on her masking skills too, if Sara noticed there was something bothering her, then maybe other people did too. The last thing she need was her therapist mother questioning her on her behavior only to find out it was because she wanted to be with her sister.

"I'm only trying to help Tegan…"

Sara mumbled from the other side of the bed, still facing away from Tegan, her emotion replaced with bitterness towards the fact that Tegan wouldn't open up. With her arms tucked tightly inwards to her chest, gripping onto a fistful of duvet, Sara turned to Tegan once more, a growl now replacing her once soft features,

"It's good to know that you can't even tell your _own siste_-"

"For Christ sake Sara! I like someone, okay? Are you fucking happy know? I'm miserable as fuck because I like someone, and I cant fucking have them - and the reason I didn't tell you is because I don't want to on my fucking back about it"

Sara blinked, slightly taken aback by her sisters snappy confession, nodding quickly and wide eyed as she watched for the steam that was sure to erupt from her sisters ears. Tegan's scorn eased itself from her face gradually before she gave a forced sigh and turned round to sleep, dragging Sara's covers with her. Sara huffed in protest, grabbing the quilt back from her sister, who resisted causing the two of them to take part in an awkward tug of war before Sara won wrapping herself in the duvet before glaring at Tegan who was wearing a defeated pout. The two sisters couldn't help but break into grins.

"Thanks for trusting me enough to tell me"

"You practically fucking shook it out of me", Tegan smiled at her sister, actually glad that she had semi-confessed, feeling a bit of the weight being lifted from her shoulders.

"We're not going to get to sleep tonight are we?" Sara blinked, rubbing her eyes and sitting upright on the bed.

Tegan merely nodded, shifting her position to match her sisters, "I don't even know why I got into bed, I'm not even tired…"

"Me neither…think the boys are back yet?"

"I doubt it, they're probably still out drinking or scoring", Tegan screwed up her face the last word.

"Drinking and scoring huh? Sounds like fun…up for following suite?"

Tegan froze on the spot, jaw falling open, unable to even mutter incoherently, besides even stringing together a decent response. _Did she just say what I think she said?_

"Tegan? Do you want a drink or not?"

Tegan shook herself back into consciousness - Her heart slowing to its normal pace and the blood returning to her limbs when she realized that Sara meant that they should have more drinks - not sleep with each other.

"Are you being serious, it's like, nearly 3am Sara, plus I think we've already had a fair amount to drink, don't you?"

"Yeah, but, c'mon…It's not like we have anything to do for the next couple of days – besides, how often is it we get a full week to ourselves on a tour? Live a little Tegan", Sara finished off her sentence with a sly wink as she reached for the phone of the bedside cabinet, "Thank god for twenty-four hour room service"

Tegan couldn't argue; Sara was right, it wasn't often that they got such a good break in between shows, so why shouldn't she live it up on what little downtime she got. Besides, there was nothing she would rather do than spend her spare time having fun with Sara.

"Hey, can I order room service please…sure, it's room B117. Can I have a bottle of red wine please, with two glasses" Sara cocked her eyebrows at Tegan, who mouthed at her while raising two fingers, causing Sara to throw her head back and laugh silently, "sorry, can you make that two bottles please. Great, Okay, bye"

The pair burst into giggles as Sara put the phone down,

"You do know that's going to cost you a fucking bomb Sar?"

"Cost _me_? You're the one who wanted to order two bottles" Sara shrieked in mock anger as she playfully shoved Tegan who sat on the edge of the bed – a little too hard. Tegan fell to the floor unwillingly, hands clawing at the linen sheets furiously as she teetered on the edge before toppling fully. Sara raced to the other side of the bed, peering over the end of the mattress to check if her sister was okay. She found Tegan sprawled out on the cream carpet, not amused with her sister's laughing from above her before Sara reached out a hand to help her up. Tegan tugged her forcefully, getting her own back on her sister, pulling her from atop the bed and straight onto her lap. Sara sat up slowly, head swirling from her drunkenness, ignited again by all the hyperactivity, looking down at Tegan who seemed to be wearing a slight flush in her cheeks as well as a noticeably uncomfortable look.

"You're such a goof Tegan"

Tegan remained statue-like on the floor as her sister continued to innocently straddle her, unaware of the blood that was currently rushing to her sisters core with every second she sat on top of her middle. The fact that Tegan hadn't even bothered to shove her off or whine about the close contact like she usually would confused Sara slightly, but she figured that it was maybe all the excessive alcohol that was making her sister more touchy-feely. What ever it was, it was making Sara uneasy as a long, dragging silence filled the room, making Sara feel awkward – but she felt that if she moved it would only make matters worse. She was saved by the bell, or knock, as the room service called at the door, finally giving her an appropriate reason to get off of her sister. Tegan was left out of breath when Sara eventually got to the door, still laying on the floor, hidden behind the bed – out of sight of the room service boy who flashed Sara a confused look when handing over the two bottles of cabernet sauvignon – eyes closed and breathing heavily as she tried to calm herself down, overwhelmed by what just happened. She would need to pull herself together.


	7. Chapter 7

The first bottle of wine was gone and the drunken feelings returned, both quicker than anticipated. The girls were in great moods, full of energy and laughter, even though it was approaching the later half of 3am – a time they rarely saw anymore due to their high work demands and the fact that they enjoyed sleeping too much. They poured glass after glass of deep burgundy liquid, being as careful as possible not to spill any on the carpet – they had already forked out for hotel wine, they didn't want to pay for any damages to the cream shag-pile. They sat for what seemed like countless hours, catching up, gossiping and exchanging stories about what they had been doing with themselves during their time apart. Tegan always loved going on tour, or going back into the studio after a long break from Sara, just to be able to spend time like this with her, reminiscing and just enjoying her sister's company. The more Tegan drank the more comfortable she became around Sara, allowing deeper conversations to flow. Inevitably it led back to the discussion from earlier that night,

"So this girl that you're so into, what's she like?" Sara was the first to approach the subject they had been tiptoeing round.

"She's gorgeous" Tegan couldn't lie - besides, it wouldn't hurt to be truthful when describing Sara: she would just have to avoid mentioning her name.

"Go on…" Her sister was intrigued, still unaware that the object of Tegan's desire was none other than herself. She didn't know what she was getting herself in for when she chose to pry deeper.

"Well, she has beautiful, deep, dark brown eyes. The most amazing bone structure. She has the cutest little nose. A great body…she's funny, intelligent, creative. She's just perfect" Tegan couldn't stop the grin from spreading ear to ear on her face as she described the girl sitting across from her on the floor. And Sara couldn't help but notice the glint in Tegan's eyes when she spoke about this mystery woman.

"She sounds like a dream date" Sara couldn't help but be sarcastic, she felt the strangest sensation, almost a hint of jealously, listening to Tegan talk about someone so compassionately. She didn't understand why, she just knew that she didn't like it.

"Oh she is" Tegan smirked, giving Sara a quick once over while she was busy pouring herself another glass from the freshly corked second bottle. Tegan bit her lip softly as she took in Sara's beauty at such close range – even in just a plain old t-shirt, underwear and tussled hair Sara was gorgeous.

"Anything else this dream date has to offer?" Sara quipped, rolling her eyes slightly, out of Tegan's view, before taking a long sip of her wine.

Tegan looked Sara directly in the eyes, something burning deeply behind them. Sara noticed this fire and shifted awkwardly on her spot, clearing her throat and continuing to hold her sister's gaze.

"Yeah, plenty…she's got the most amazing lips. Soft, pink…and her smile. I just want to…" Tegan leaned in closer to Sara, every bone in her body stiff, trying to hold her back while her brain screamed at her to stop. She tried so hard to control herself, but her heart seemed to be magnetized to Sara, pulling into her closer and closer, bringing the rest of Tegan's body with it, "I just want to kiss…"

Tegan ran her tongue across her bottom lip nervously before cutting her sentence short, gently placing her lips against Sara's in the tenderest of kisses. It was amazing, better than any dream she had ever had. Sara's lips were so much softer than she imagined, the scent she inhaled was so much sweeter. The butterflies in Tegan's stomach fluttered ten times faster, and her heart seemed to pound impossibly fast at the contact, she felt it might just explode in her chest. Her head swirled with so many thoughts and emotions, her body was filled with so many sensations, and all time seemed to slow around her, leaving her frozen in the moment for what felt like an eternity.

The kiss didn't last however. It only took seconds for Sara's reflexes to kick in, slowed down from all the alcohol she had consumed but still instinct enough for her to push her sister back – and still sharp enough to allow her to place a stinging slap across Tegan's cheek. It wasn't like her, Tegan was usually the bold one who dived forward with actions she would later regret, but Sara was so inconsolably angry she couldn't help but lash out.

"What the fuck Tegan! What the fuck are you doing?...are you actually fucking crazy? What the fuck? For Christ sake Tegan…"

Tegan couldn't help but grimace as she watched her sister get into a fluster, throwing more cuss words around than she had heard in weeks. Her face was pale, all the blood seeming to rush from her body to allow the realization of what she had just done to surge in, turning her bones mush as it did so. She crumpled in on her self, tucking into a ball, her hands covering her face, trying to block out her surroundings – praying that if she stayed like that long enough the room would just disintegrate.

"Tegan for fuck sake. Look at me! What the hell are you trying to do?"

Tegan ignored her enraged sister who was now up on her feet, storming through the hotel room, pacing the carpet with her hand over her face shielding her eyes, deciding it was maybe best that Tegan wasn't holding her gaze – she didn't want to look at her right now. Tears started to stream freely down Tegan's face, upset with the fact that she clearly didn't have any self control, and more upset with Sara's reaction – it was nothing like she ever imagined it to be. Nothing like she had ever longed for it to be.

"I'm so sorry Sara, it was an accident…I don't know what I was thinking" Tegan babbled through a mouthful of sobs, her head still placed on her knees, too ashamed to lift herself to say it to Sara's face, "Really, I'm just drunk, I don't know why I did it…"

What felt like hours passed as the pair remained silent. It gave Sara time to think, time to calm herself and collect her houghts before she sighed, clearly still frustrated as she continued to walk the length of the room, back and fourth. The situation hit her with a sobering blow, her head filled with to many important thoughts to be filled with a drunken swim; she needed as much mental clearness and concentration as possible to process what just happened.

"Maybe drinking was a bad idea huh?", her voice softened considerably, causing Tegan to meekly peer up to catch Sara lifting the wine bottles and half full glasses before taking them into the bathroom, pouring the deep red liquid into the bright white of the sink. Sara stood quietly watching the wine trickle down into the drain before turning back to face Tegan, noticing the red around her eyes and her tear stained cheeks, "I think maybe we should just get some sleep…"

Tegan sat astounded at Sara's change in character, watching as her sister gave her a faint smile, a look of pity washing across her face as she held out her hand to help Tegan up off the floor.

"I'm sorry Sara I reall-". Sara cut Tegan off with a swift shake of her head and a digit pressed to her lips before she could continue.

"We can just forget about it. Really, I think it's best if we just get some sleep, okay." Sara's calmness made Tegan somewhat uneasy, but she nodded her head in agreement none the less.

"maybe it's best if I just sleep on the seat"

"Yeah, maybe…"


	8. Chapter 8

Tegan woke in the early afternoon, joints stiff and muscles aching from her uncomfortable sleep. Light filtered in through the thin slate blinds catching her eyes as she rubbed them slowly, the dull throb of a nasty hangover aching deep behind them. As she shook of her sleepy haze she began to check her surroundings, slowly coming round to realize she was on the chair in the corner of her and Sara's shared hotel room. She sat herself up groggily peering over to the bed, eyes still bleary, in search for Sara – there was no sign of her. Tegan lifted her aching limbs from her seat and made her way into the bathroom – wincing as she caught sight of herself in the mirror; hair messy, eyes bloodshot, skin a sporting a greenish hue and tread-marks from where she rested against the leather seat. She also noticed a chalky trail of dried in saliva running from the right side of her mouth, which she proceeded to wash, reaching out to turn on the hot water in the sink. As she did so she noticed deep burgundy splash marks and a ring of the same colour dried in round the bright silver sink hole. She stared at it for a while, standing motionless whilst her brain raked through the memories of the previous night. She remembered the hotel bar, she remembered the boys chatting up a group of hipsters, she remembered wine -and she remembered Sara. _Oh shit._

Everything seemed to suddenly rush into Tegan's mind with such force that she expected her nose to bleed. She remembered Sara being upset, she remembered confessing to Sara that she liked someone. She remembered being on the floor, she remembered Sara straddling her, talking, laughing, messing around, arguing…kissing. The blow hit Tegan square in the gut causing her to double over, throwing up into the sink. Her body shook violently as she struggled to get her breath back, heaving continually until she heard the room door click open, followed by the pad of quick footsteps and the feeling of a hand rub circles comfortingly into her back while another reached out to hold her hair from her face. She knew it was Sara, she recognized her touch, her scent, her voice as she hushed her – it all just made her sicker. She continued to purge until there was nothing left in her stomach, and then some – all of last nights alcohol washing down the drain leaving Tegan with nothing but a bitter taste in her mouth. She was completely spent, her knuckles white as she continued to grip onto the side of the washbowl, riding out the last of her gagging. Her skin was clammy, a fever burning red hot on her brow as she stood patiently and tried to regain her composure, taking deep purposeful breaths before lowering herself to sit on the floor.

"Hey…are you alright Tegan? Do you need a glass of water?", Sara reached for her discarded Styrofoam coffee cup, pouring the steaming liquid down the drain where it would meet the contents of Tegan's stomach, before filling it back up again with cold water and handing it to her sister. She had clearly been out for breakfast, not bothering to wake Tegan up, "how long have you been throwing up?"

She couldn't even respond she was so exhausted; all she could do was avert her gaze from Sara in the fear that if she looked her in the eyes she would be sick again. Thoughts ran through her head at lightening speed as she hugged her stomach which was still in crippling pain. She felt a cold flannel being pressed against her forehead, and could feel her sister's hand running through her hair.

"Come on and we'll get you into bed, okay Teegs"

The compress was dabbed on her face a few more times before Sara hooked an arm behind her sister's back and helped her to her feet. The touch didn't spark any lustful feelings or electric jolts through Tegan like it normally would. Instead she felt empty, knowing that if she did feel anything it would never be reciprocated. All her dreams of being with Sara were shattered, she would never hold her, kiss her, be with her the way she wanted to, and the more she let it play on her mind the more her stomach contorted again. Sara gave her a faint and pitiful smile like the one she had given her last night, only there was a hint of compassion in her eyes as she steadied her sister and laid her on the bed. Tegan couldn't help but wonder why Sara acting so normal, even compassionate, towards her after what she had done. She knew she had placed her sister in such an awkward position and to expect forgiveness from her was out of the question. She had jeopardized their life together as sisters, their career and family, and as Sara began to take off her shoes and socks and put her to bed a single tear escaped from Tegan's welling eyes.

"I don't know what to do with myself…" Tegan trailed off exhausted and too chocked up to continue. Sara only looked down at her, empathy in her eyes as she wiped her sister's tear from her cheek and placed a tender kiss on her forehead.

"Just try and get some rest. I'll go get something to settle your stomach"

_-  
Sara walked down to the bar to pick up some ginger ale for Tegan, hoping to settle her sister's stomach so she could get a decent sleep. As she crossed the foyer the man behind the reception stopped her, recognizing her from her check in._

"excuse me, ma'am", Sara stopped in her tracks, looking over her shoulder before staring blankly at the receptionist, "yes, hello, it's about your room situation – we have another available room on your floor now if you wish to move in for the remaining duration of your stay?"

It occurred to Sara that the guy behind the desk has mistaken her for her sister; she knew they didn't really look that similar, but to people who met them in passing they were easily confused.

"Oh, right sorry…uh, thanks, but I think I'll be okay sharing with my sister for now"

Sara couldn't describe the feeling that had just washed over her as she made the snap decision to keep her sister in close quarters. After the events of the night before she knew it would probably be a better option to take the available room for Tegan - they could each do with some personal space - but something inside of her felt that it was necessary for her to stay close to Tegan; some selfish want, a need, a desire. She couldn't quite explain it.

As she made her way back to the hotel room, Tegan's drink in hand, she went over scenes from the previous night in her head. She felt bad for the way she reacted, she never meant to be so hard on Tegan, but alcohol always made her do things she later regretted. She knew the kiss was probably just a slip up, but she couldn't help but feel there was something more behind it. Tegan had been acting suspiciously since they had started back on tour, but she never expected it to lead to something as monumental as it had. Tegan didn't seem like the type to want to engage in incest. She always protested allegations and was far from being overly close to Sara – in fact she was usually stand-offish. As Sara thought about it, however, she realized that it hadn't be the case over the past few months. Tegan was being more affectionate, she was engaging in more physical contact with her sister - more hugs, hands on shoulders, generally wanting to be closer – even on stage .Even before they went on tour Tegan seemed to call her more, she made visits to Montréal more frequently, even kept in contact more often. The more Sara thought about it, the more she realized that Tegan had been acting out of character for almost a year – it just took an event like last night's kiss for Sara to notice; just something that made her backtrack on Tegan's behavior, something that made everything else add up.

All Sara needed to understand now was why Tegan felt this need to be close to her; it wasn't a feeling that Sara had ever reciprocated, and so there was never any lead which would encourage Tegan to make a move. The more Sara analyzed it, the more swamped she became; maybe Tegan felt that she was leading her on, maybe she had given Tegan the wrong impression after she broke up with Emy. Had she been sending her signals? – She didn't want to think about it anymore.

Sara froze in her tracks as she finally entered the room, finding Tegan fast sleep on her bed, half under the covers, tucked into a tight ball, hair tousled and her mouth twitching slightly as she breathed slowly in and out, chest rising and falling. She moved closer to the bed, watching her sister in her slumber unsure of whether to leave the room or not. Just looking at Tegan laying there confirmed her thoughts; she knew something just wasn't right – something was hurting her sister, driving her into a state, making her ill. This wasn't just a hangover. A horrible empty feeling hit Sara's gut with a pounding force as she turned to face the door, ready to leave her sister alone in the hotel room. She turned round to glance at her once more, but couldn't stop herself from staring. She soaked in Tegan's flawless ivory skin, her soft features, amazing curves, and long lashes. She cursed herself for the tear stains she noticed on her cheeks. She continued to run her eyes up and down Tegan's full body, noticing her hip bones as they peered through the gap between her t shirt and underwear band, and the way her shirt was tight around her chest but loose everywhere else. Her body was so different compared to sisters, but Sara had never really taken the time to notice before – Tegan was beautiful. Sara bit her lip absentmindedly before pulling up a chair beside the bed to watch her sister sleep, a strange feeling radiating through her bones and sending shivers down her spine as she watched her move slightly, a pained look on her face as she muttered incoherently. Sara softly placed her hand over Tegan's, stroking it lightly as tears welled in her eyes.

"I don't know what to do with you Tegan"  
-


	9. Chapter 9

Tegan woke to find a lukewarm bottle of ginger ale on the bedside cabinet and couldn't help but smile knowing that Sara was looking out for her, even after all that had happened. She was feeling much better; the long, and more comfortable sleep doing her the world of good – the fact that she knew Sara wasn't going to run away or lash out at her again also made her feel a lot more settled . She knew that was the main reason as to why she was sick, it was all nerves; she was terrified of how Sara would deal with her or react to seeing her the next morning. Despite feeling well again she drank the soda, figuring it would be polite considering her sister had gone out of her way to get it for her, it was always the little things that Sara done for her that she loved. The amber liquid washed away the horrible taste from Tegan's mouth, leaving her with nothing but memories of that morning and the night before. With all the evidence gone Tegan felt a lot lighter. Sara was acting so normal about the situation that Tegan could pass it off as if it never happened at all. The only thing that held Tegan back from a clean slate with her sister was the guilt which seemed to hang thick all around her – she still felt bad about crossing the line with Sara, and she knew that her sister hadn't just forgotten about the kiss. With Sara now on her mind it crept into her realization that she wasn't in the hotel room, she wasn't in the bathroom either, and there were no messages left or sign of where she could be. It was the second time that Tegan had woken up to an empty room, it was always unsettling. She rummaged for her phone to call her sister, but stumbled across Sara's first,

"Shit…"

Tegan made her way over to the window, pushing apart the slated blinds to peer out into the skyline. It was dark. Tegan had slept longer than expected, her body clearly so exhausted that it needed to catch up on some serious rest.

"She must be down stairs getting food…" She patted her own stomach, empty from her earlier purging. She guessed it would be a good idea to go down and get something to eat with the boys; hopefully Sara would be with them too. Tegan made her way to her suitcase which was still unpacked, her clothes folded into perfect squares, before she gripped a clean pair of jeans and a shirt and tugged them from the pile – all the other items falling lopsided like dominoes. She lifted her arms, ready to remove her clothes and throw on her clean ones before she paused, turning her head to sniff at her underarms, "I guess I should get a shower"

Tegan spoke away to herself, her voice breaking the silence in the room giving her some comfort before she made her way into the bathroom, closing the door behind her before she began to strip. She figured Sara would be back soon - she wasn't one to leave her cell when she went out for any length of time – but she left the bathroom door unlocked anyway. Tegan turned on the hot and cold taps, twisting them slowly until she got just the right temperature of water to sprinkle from the shower head. She stepped into the tub, letting the water cascade on her shoulders and back before she submerged her head into the spray, reveling in the almost icy water – she always loved cold showers just after she woke up. The lashings of water sent prickles up her back, and the droplets bounced off of her face and chest as she smoothed her hair back, eyes shut tightly until she heard the bathroom door opening and closing.

Her eyes snapped open, hands shooting in opposite directions to cover her bare breasts and trim as she crossed her legs and hunched her shoulders, hiding herself as best she could. She thought it might have been a hotel maid, maybe a bell boy, at worst one of the guys coming to see if she would be joining them for dinner. The last person she would have expected it to be was Sara – she was never intrusive, and she would have notice that the bathroom light was on and that the door was shut. She would have even taken the time to listen out for the running water, concurring that her sister would be in the shower – she was always very thorough when it came to picking up on smaller details.

"Whoa! Jesus Sara, ever heard of knocking?" Tegan continued gripping at her flesh which was tinged red with the embarrassment of being caught naked by her sister – it was almost worse than if she would have flashed one of the band members. She cursed the hotel and its absence of shower curtains.

Sara didn't move, she kept her eyes on Tegan as she continued to stand under the stream of cold water. Instead of stepping away with an apology like she usually would, she advanced; moving closer to Tegan, never taking her gaze off of her.

"Seriously Sara, get the fuck out…what are you doing", Tegan felt a slight panic, unsettled by her sister's constant stare and strange attitude as she continued to walk towards to the tub before swinging her leg over, stepping into the bath still fully clothed, "Sara, what the fuck, are you cr-"

This time it was Sara who cut her sister off, pressing her soft lips hard against Tegan's, who sunk back in shock, her head and back resting heavily against the tiled walls as her eyes widened in bewilderment. She wanted to push Sara away, ask her what she was doing, but she didn't want to lift her arms and reveal herself fully to her sister. Much to Tegan's relief however, Sara broke the kiss, looking Tegan deep in the eyes as she stood clothes and hair sodden and shivering slightly under the cold spray,

"I know that kiss wasn't an accident Tegan…." She stared deep into sister's eyes as her face turned redder, "right before you kissed me you described to girl who had been on your mind for months, the girl that occupied your thoughts so much that it was driving you crazy". Tegan squirmed uncomfortably against her sister's gaze, still fully aware that she was very much naked, "Tegan, you described me. We're twins. Do you think I wouldn't have noticed that everything you were saying was right infront of me? The deep brown eyes, the button nose, the soft lips…you basically described yourself, _right infront of me Tegan._"

"Sara…uh, can we talk about this somewhere else, serio-", Sara cut Tegan off again, this time by pressing one of her fingers up against her sisters lips.

"I need to know if I'm the one that's been doing this to you. Am I why you've been acting so strange?" Tegan's blush deepened as her head spun, she couldn't believe this was happening. She felt sick again, she felt faint, scared, excited, nervous; so many emotions at once. She stammered as she tried to answer Sara's question. There was no way she could escape it, she would just have to be honest,

"Sara…you're making me fucking crazy…I need you so bad, it's tearing me apart"

Sara's lips where against Tegan's again almost as quickly as the sentence had left them. This time the kiss was softer, more passionate as Tegan gave in and melded into her sister as her clothed arms draped heavily over her neck. She didn't quite understand what was going on, it just didn't feel like it could possibly be happening. The scenario just seemed so unlikely that Tegan had to collect her thoughts for a second, ignoring the burning sensation that enveloped her even under the cold of the shower, making sure she wasn't still sleeping and that this was all just a dream. She opened her eyes every time her lips parted from Sara's during the now hurried kiss, checking to see if it was really her, an overwhelming rush of euphoria and happiness overcoming her each time she saw that it really was her sister infront of her . She couldn't stop a grin from beaming across her face as Sara steeped back a little, clearly nervous and unsure of whether to take things further. She looked at her feet as she shuffled the softly against the enamel of the tub, the rubber of her shoes squeaking at the friction,

"Tegan I-", Sara looked up from her sodden shoes, stopping her voice in her throat as she looked up at Tegan's glistening wet body, her hands now at her sides, revealing herself fully to her bewildered sister. Sara was completely mesmerized; she couldn't take her eyes off of Tegan's perfect milky skin, now slick from the stream of water, her perfect breasts, her long slender legs, her taught stomach, her patch of dark curls, "Jesus, you're gorgeous"

Tegan couldn't help but blush, a faint smile playing across her face before Sara swiftly moved in again, this time catching Tegan slightly off guard, her mouth opening for a split to illicit a soft moan giving Sara the perfect opportunity to deepen the kiss. It was like nothing Tegan had ever experienced; it was rough yet tender at the same time and erupted an intense build up that shook right down to her increasingly wet core. She had waited so long for this moment that she was partially stunned, standing motionless for a few seconds, mouth agape while Sara explored it, until she was finally thrust into reality by her sister's wandering hands. She probed Sara's mouth, searching every inch and memorizing the taste and feel just like she would in do in her dreams – it was almost exactly as she had expect, save for the slight hint of alcohol that tainted her sister's breath. She continued regardless, tongues clashing in the now hurried and wet kiss as hands endlessly tangled and snaked, groping at flesh and soaked denim until Sara broke the kiss to pull off her cardigan. Tegan reached out to help her undress, pulling the buttons on her denim shirt apart roughly and carelessly before stopping herself,

"Are you sure you want to do this Sara?", she didn't reply, only continued to strip - successfully bursting her shirt open without losing any buttons in the process, leaving her standing in the cold water, bare-chested and nipples hard, clearly not used to the low temperature quite like Tegan was, "I…I guess that means you're sure…"

Tegan didn't even have time to register the glorious body infront of her before it was pinning her up against the cool tile wall, Sara's nipples pressing against her adding to the aching throb that pulsated in her cunt. She wanted Sara so bad, but she still was unsure if it was what _Sara_ wanted. She let these thoughts slip her mind as Sara broke the kiss, trailing soft pecks down Tegan's jaw line before placing hurried and wet kisses on her pulse point – each one sparking a guttural moan deep from Tegan's throat that vibrated against her sister lips. Sara continued south, her tongue playing against Tegan's collarbone, causing her to throw her head back, water spilling into her mouth as she panted in short sharp breaths, her sister's hands snaking round to graze her back slightly with clawed hands. Sara worked lower again, reaching Tegan's breasts before pausing hesitantly, looking up at Tegan whose eyes were clamped tight shut. She continued on; taking one of Tegan's nipples in her mouth teasingly, biting on it whilst her hands gripped tightly at the flesh of her sister's cheeks. Tegan moaned, her breath shaky from the pure pleasure and overwhelming happiness that the moment brought her. To think that everything she ever wanted from Sara was happening right now, that all her desires where in motion, almost made her weep - especially considering that moments ago she though all her dreams of intimacy with Sara had been stripped from her.

She needed more of Sara, placing her hand on her sister's face to guide her up to her own. She took control now, placing a deep kiss on her Sara's lips as her hands worked down to massage her breasts. Sara flinched slightly at the contact before breaking the kiss, her eyes drilling deep into Tegan's before she spoke,

"This isn't about me"

Tegan stood blankly, unsure of how to respond before she felt Sara come into contact with her neck again, this time her hands stretching out brush against her sister's thigh teasingly as she bit and sucked Tegan's fair skin. Sara's finger tips grazed gingerly over Tegan's trimmed dark curls before her hand came to rest just below Tegan's navel,

"Is this what you need?" Sara bit her lip, a look of hesitation on her face as her fingers walked down the length of Tegan's hip. She tried hard to read her sister's expression as she placed her full palm flat down on Tegan's mound, "Is this going to make you better?"

Tegan couldn't help but yelp out a long contained plea as one of Sara's long and slender fingers ran the length of her slit. She didn't want this to be treated as some kind of treatment for her blues. She didn't want Sara to take pity on her. She certainly didn't want Sara to force herself into something so intimate and life changing. She wanted to tell her to stop, she wanted to assure her she didn't have to do a thing, but the way Sara touched her, the way she made her feel – it was too good to pass up. She wanted Sara to take her, she wanted her to cure the insatiable desire that had been burning inside of her for so long, she wanted Sara closer – and now that she was, there was no way she was going to let her slip away. Her conflicting interests fought for control of her body, before her desires won; Tegan giving in, biting her lip and letting Sara continue to offer herself as a twisted medication to Tegan's depression.

Sara's fingertips probed deeper, finding Tegan's clit in her impossible wetness and rubbing quick circles as she stared at the white tiles that lined the shower stall. She looked past her sister's face as she continued rubbing rhythmically on her throbbing button, her strong and calloused fingers eliciting guttural and ravenous moans from Tegan's mouth right into her ear. She maneuvered her hand lower, finding Tegan's entrance and slipping a finger in effortlessly and almost carelessly. Tegan writhed against her breath shaking as she pleaded for more of her sister inside of her. Sara obliged, adding another finger to play against Tegan's tight walls, pulsing in and out with sharp force, curling and twisting,

"urgh, fuck Sara…fu-" Tegan couldn't contain her moans behind barred teeth any longer as her hips bucked awkwardly, trying to get as much of Sara inside of her as possible. She gripped her arms around Sara's neck tightly; dragging her head down to rest on her shoulder, using her for support as they both stood upright in the tub - Tegan riding her sister's soaked digits in time with her thrusting hand. Sara reached up to apply rapid strokes to Tegan's clit with her thumb, all the while she continued to stare at the tiles, never meeting her sister's gaze. She bit down on Tegan's shoulder as she continued to thrust harder, feeling her sister tense around her fingers, her wet heat seeming to soak her palm more than the continuous spray of the shower. Tegan's moans threatened to break out into screams as Sara pressed on harder, literally ramming into her sister as she applied her hips and upper body into each plunge, her advances becoming more and more aggressive.

"S…Sara I can't…"

Tegan couldn't take it anymore as she jutted violently against her sister, riding out the last waves of her hushed orgasm, biting down on Sara's shoulder hard enough to draw blood. She was so exhausted that she almost slipped on the slick enamel of the shower, having to cling on to Sara's flushed and heated flesh for support before allowing herself to lean back on the tiles, freezing against her red hot skin. The almost cold water continued to rain down on her, prickling on her skin as she breathed sharp gasps of air, her pupils dilated and her hair strewn across her face. She was gorgeous in her afterglow, but Sara couldn't stay to witness it. Instead she stepped out of the tub and made her way to the bathroom door, not bothering to dry of her hair or pick up her soaked denim shirt. She still refused to look at her sister as she made her way into the bedroom and rummaged through the hotel supplied wardrobe for something to wear. Tegan watched her dress in the next room through the open door, catching a glimpse of her perfect ass as she pulled herself out of her sodden jeans and into a pair of crisp dry ones. She threw on a t-shirt and without so much as a glance back at Tegan she was out the door.

Tegan let herself slide down against the wall to sit in the bathtub, knees hunched up under her chin as she reached out for Sara's shirt which lay discarded next to her. She wrapped herself in the wet fabric and sat silently under the still flowing stream of water. She was crying before she could even register it, sobs threatening to erupt into a glass shattering scream as she hugged herself in tighter, biting hard on the bundled denim in attempts to muffle her rage. A feeling of disgust bubbled inside of her and made her sick to her stomach.

_what the fuck are you doing Tegan_


	10. Chapter 10

_Tegan didn't move from the tub, only mustering enough energy to turn off the facets before she slipped into a dreamless sleep on the cold enamel. Water still sat in puddles on the white, cold metal, gradually disappearing; soaking into Tegan's skin, replacing the tears she had been crying for solid hours as a horrible sickness enveloped her. She didn't have the strength to drag herself to the hotel bed regardless of how tired she was, she didn't have the energy to get as far away from the building as possible no matter how much she despised the four walls surrounding her, and she certainly didn't have the guts to call Sara and tell her to come and look her in the eyes, even though its would be the only thing capable of mending Tegan. That's how she felt. She felt like she was broken, she needed to be mended, she needed to be pieced back together – she had been shattered by Sara's touch; the crush of the events with her sister finally breaking her hollow body. She hated the horrible limbo she had been landed in. She hated not knowing how Sara felt; was she angry, upset, ashamed of what she had done and what she had become? Or did she actually want Tegan? Did she feel secure knowing that her sister felt the same emotions as her, that she loved her in a way that was unconceivable to many minds? That's what Tegan longed for, she wanted to know that Sara reciprocated the feeling of love and lust that she felt, she wanted to feel secure in knowing that Sara would be there for her – but right now she wasn't, Sara was elsewhere, leaving Tegan to stew in her regret and wonder why Sara had left – was she overcome by love or emotion, or was she overcome by shame and disgust_

Sara didn't come home that night –Tegan found the room empty the next morning as she woke from her uncomfortable sleep, the second one since her stay in a hotel that offered a luxury double bed in each room. She Propped herself up on the bathtub joints creaking and muscles aching as she slowly adjusted her strained neck to avoid the sharp pain she now seemed to get if she moved her head too quickly. She peeled off the still considerably wet denim shirt of Sara's off of her slightly pruned and goose-bumped skin trying her best not to look at it in fear that it might spark off an unwanted emotion within her. The last thing she needed was to let herself go over the edge again and spend another day sitting naked in an empty hotel bath. She finally stepped out of the tub, legs shaky from lack of use and made her way into the bedroom for the first time since she left for her "quick shower", before throwing on clothes from her suitcase, not caring if they matched or not. She ran a brush through her matted, still half-wet hair realizing she hadn't actually managed to wash it due to all the commotion of the shower, but she decided to go out regardless, collecting just enough strength and energy from her shitty sleep to put one foot in front of the other for the hundred or so yards she felt she needed to be from her hotel room. She ended up at the bar a block from the hotel, the same one she had been directed to on the first day of her stay, with the big yellow sign and elderly regulars. It gave her a strangely calming vibe as she sat with a rapidly warming jack and coke – not having enough motivation to even enjoy a much needed stiff drink – she felt as though she had been transported back in time a couple of days, back to when she hadn't completely fucked up her life, back to when she was sitting in the bar convincing herself that she would be strong and that she had enough willpower to restrain herself from making a move on her sister. The realization that she had no self control and that she had actually let happen what she had sworn not to do just made Tegan feel more depressed and sick as she sat in a place she barely knew and that was insignificant - but somehow managed to remind her of better times. She knocked back one quick shot before she decided it would be best to head back to the no doubt empty hotel room; the bitter, harsh vodka feeling more welcome in her mouth than her own salvia, which now carried a constant hint of Sara's taste.

She got back to the hotel room, walking quickly with her head bowed the whole journey back. She didn't want to take in the scenery, she didn't care about the fresh air – she just wanted to be away from everything. She got to her room in record time, apprehensively opening the door even though she was set in her ways in that Sara wouldn't be inside. She was wrong. She had good reason to be apprehensive as there Sara was; bent over the bed rolling her clothes into tight bundles before placing them in her suitcase which rested unzipped at her feet. She didn't hear Tegan come in, she didn't notice her sister stopping in her tracks, frozen and silent in the doorway, she only noticed the sound of the door as it slowly clicked shut, its hinges independently leading it back into its closed position. Tegan shut her eyes tightly, sighing out a quiet obscenity as Sara whipped round to look at her standing in the corner,

"Tegan…" Sara stood with a surprised look averting her gaze from her somewhat drained looking sister as prickles climbed up her body, "I wondered when you'd show up"

Tegan didn't even respond, she merely watched as she sister turned her back on her again to continue packing her bag. She cleared her throat, hoping to get her to turn round and look her in the eyes – nothing. She tried again, louder this time, catching Sara flinch and still herself for a fraction of a second before she carried on packing things away, not bothering to give in and face her sister. Tegan didn't want to beg, she didn't want to show Sara how week she was, she didn't want to have to plead with her sister just to look her in the eyes, to hold her, tell her it was alright, that she didn't have to feel bad. She wanted Sara to kiss her tenderly, tell her she loved her, tell her that last night had meant something to her – but she couldn't even get her to face her. It was such a small gesture. Did Sara really feel so repulsed that she couldn't even look at Tegan - her friend, her sister, her twin. 28 years and she wouldn't even throw a glance. It tore Tegan to pieces. She tried one last time, louder, even though she knew Sara had heard both of her other attempts. Still nothing, only an irritated sigh fell from the lips that Tegan longed to be pressed against hers. That was all it took for Tegan to snap.

"Fucking look at me Sara!" Sara froze before bowing her head, collapsing her weight on propped arms that leaned on the crisp, undisturbed bed. She didn't make a sound, she didn't even breath – she still refused to look at her sister, "Sara…LOOK AT ME!", Tegan couldn't stand the cold shoulder anymore, rage rising up in her like a flood, blinding her momentarily as she advanced towards Sara, gripping her shoulder hard and spinning around so their faces met. She gripped both of her arms tightly, shaking her slightly as she spoke, "you can't fucking do this to me, you can just fucking walk away from me after something like that…and now you wont even look me in the eye?" Tegan could feel her skin become heated as she held onto Sara tightly.

"Get the fuck away from me Tegan!" Sara did her best to push Tegan off, squiring under the clamp of her sister's hands – but Tegan didn't let up, she only held on tighter.

"why wont you look at me? Do I disgust you that much?" Tegan's voice broke from it's angry tone as she held back tears; trying her best to look strong infront of her sister, even though one glance from Sara could make her crumble, "were you disgusted when you were kissing me huh? When you were touching me, making me say your name, Sara? When you were fucking me…did it disgust you? Do I disgust you?"

Sara pulled a hand free from Tegan's grip sharply and scorched an angry red mark across her sister's cheek with rage, causing Tegan to wince, the tears still refusing to flow from her eyes, "Don't you dare Tegan. I never want to fucking hear about that again, do you understand me. I fucking swear…"

Tegan felt all the blood rush from her body, she knew she was losing, Sara wasn't going to give in, she wouldn't cave and meld into Tegan's body, hush her, tell her she wanted to be with her. She was on her last leg; she had to play her last card, "tell me you don't love me Sara…" Sara squirmed uncomfortably, averting her gaze from her sister continually as she focused all of her attention on the thick, cream carpet where all of this had started. She didn't answer, she didn't say a word. Tegan took this as a sign, the fact that Sara couldn't deny that she loved her as some twisted glimmer of hope before she tilted Sara's head up to place a chaste kiss on her lips. Sara leaned back, pushing Tegan away, "Get the fuck away from me Tegan, I don't want this...its sick Tegan, you're sick. You need help" She finally looked her sister in the eyes, something deep behind the glossy brown orbs that sparked a frenzy in Tegan.

Before Sara could even take a breath Tegan was attached to her lips again, Sara moaning a protest into her mouth as Tegan roughly granted herself entry. She leaned heavily on Sara, backing her up to the lip of the bed before they both toppled carelessly onto a pile of Sara's unpacked clothes. Tegan broke the kiss, looking down at her angered sister – her hair now messy and skin wearing an embarrassed shade, "what the fuck do you thing you're doing Tegan!", Tegan only continued to advance, straddling Sara as a flurry of struggling punches caught her in the arms and torso as her sister thrashed underneath her.

"I want you to tell me you don't love me…" Tegan kept a piercing gaze on Sara, she was deadly serious – she couldn't even feel Sara writhe beneath her, or the angry blows as they came into contact with her body…she couldn't feel anything. She managed to grab Sara's hands, mid punch, grappling her with a wild force, finally pinning both arms above her sister's head before leaning into whisper into Sara's ear, "I want you to tell me that you don't want to be with me, that you cant feel me here…" Tegan used one hand to effortlessly hold Sara's exhausted arms back whilst the other snaked down her sister's body before hastily fumbling with the button on her jeans, the same pair she had changed into the night before. Tegan knew she wasn't wearing any underwear, she had watched her dress, and so when she slipped her hand under the rough fabric, much to Sara's protest, she was met with an impossible wetness. "Why did you do this Sara? Why did you fuck me…why did you touch me here?" She placed a finger into Sara's wet heat, it was the only sensation she felt, everything else was emptiness, she felt as though she had left her body and now she was floating above herself, watching as she pinned down her unwilling sister. Sara choked out a strangled sob as Tegan entered her, already thrusting as she waited for some sort or reply. "Tell me this didn't mean something to you"

Tegan added another finger and continued relentlessly as Sara continued to struggle underneath her, still refusing to answer her sister and give in to the sick and twisted game they were now playing. Sara was determined not to let up, but even she couldn't hold back a couple of heated moans as Tegan's fingers worked deep inside of her. She hated herself for letting it happen, she knew if she were to tell Tegan that she didn't love her it would all be over, but she wanted to seem strong, she wanted to look like she could handle whatever her sister threw at her. She still managed to avert Tegan's stare, even to the point where she would shut her eyes – she could still feel Tegan watching her, she could still feel her hot breath play on her skin, Tegan's face inches from her own. She could still feel Tegan arch and thrust into her with a force that had been pent up for so long. "C'mon Sara…c'monnnnn" Tegan spoke through gritted teeth as she worked on, sweat coating her flushed brow as she panted short sharp breaths. She continued to look down at Sara, begging her to hit a release, yearning for her to feel the pleasure Tegan felt under Sara's touch, " I need this…"

Sara came against her own will, her body trembling with a euphoria that was like nothing she had ever felt before in her life. She visibly shook, her body quivering underneath her spent sister as she screamed out her name, not bothering to muffle her defeat. Tegan collapsed on top of her, exhausted, but somewhat satisfied, the horrible feeling of regret and self loathing not yet settling into her bones. They lay silent for what felt like an eternity, only the sound of their panting filling the room. It was a while before any of them moved, Sara finally pushing her sister aside so she could stand up, fastening her jeans as she did so. Tegan sat up on he edge of the bed, her eyes never leaving Sara as she walked around the room, picking up her scattered clothes before placing them haphazardly into her case. Tegan only stood up when Sara zipped up her bag, slinging it over her shoulder with what little strength she had left. The gleam in her eyes had faded, leaving Tegan with the most horrible feeling in her gut. She felt disgusted with herself for what she had just but her sister through, only realizing that Sara felt the same way about what she had done to Tegan when she glanced round, giving her a faint smile before opening the door to the landing.

"Wait…" Tegan stopped her in her tracks with the first words since the incident, "I still need to know" she shifted uneasy on the spot, ashamed of her needs, the way her mind worked, ashamed of who she was.

Sara nodded, she knew her sister too well, she knew answering her would be the only way she would be able to move on, piece herself together again, "I love you. I do…" The tears welled in Sara's eyes as she reached for the door handle again, "I thought I could be this for you, I though I could try and fix everything, but I just cant…I'm not ready for something like this yet, and I don't think I will be any time soon" She bowed her head, leaving Tegan to stand alone in the hotel room as she made her way across the hallway. Tegan sat back down on the ravaged bed; tears refusing to fall from her eyes as her world came crashing down around her. It had started in the hotel room. It had ended in this hotel room.

~

she hadn't even realized she had fallen asleep until she was woken by the buzz and tone of her blackberry. A new message flashed across it's harshly list screen illuminating the darkness around her.

_I've been thinking…maybe I'm ready _


End file.
